laying on that bed, i felt as though my entire being was flowing like the influx of the ocean. half aware by the pull of the tide, yet drifting off with each passing swell. short jolts of semi-consciousness would drown me in the feeling of utter hopelessness. and then just as swiftly with the waves, i was swept back into pure, black, nothingness again.
i remember waking to the sound of rain. at first, i felt like i was just a little girl, wide-eyed and curious, like i was all those years ago, half riddled with sleep after a night of terrors. i pulled the dark red sheet up to my chin and only then did i realize i was not in my own bed... shadows of tears stained my rosy cheeks... the smell of blood and abandonment filled the unfamiliar room.
back then, i didn't realize the ransom that night would hold over me for many years to come. i was but a girl, 14 years old – bourbon in a teacup, soul full of vinegar and glitter. but my woman was stolen from me in a haze of starry sky whiskey and a boy in a leather jacket.
i was so full to the brim in shame i couldn't face myself... i faded away behind a constant veil i draped before me... those sharp corners of my mind became desolate gardens planted with prickly rose bushes and intimidatingly vast meadows i never dared enter. i would go on to make my own mistakes, plenty of them. each one seemingly worse than the last... but never would i allow another human to make one for me again. though, i wonder... if the stars were not so intoxicating that night... would i have never fallen in love with the moon?
now as i enter a chapter of my life where i am ready to explore the depths of myself, i find it still scares me to death to scratch my pale skin on the stone walls of my mind. when will i stop being frightened? when will the acquaintance with old ghosts stop agonizing me? where do i find the strength to voyage beyond the shadows of my mind and straight into the fucking abyss of it?
photo : tumblr.