Tuesday, February 24, 2015






love is really nothing
 but a dream that keeps
waking me breathless
 for you –
because, i'm scared
you'll forget about me







Saturday, February 14, 2015

a very long ranty kind of post...





it's Valentine's Day. i have the house all to myself, and i am cozied up on the couch with a cup of coffee, as i begin the tedious process of sifting through and figuring out what i want to save from my Facebook account. which is something i have been willing myself to do for quite some time now. because a little over a year ago i deactivated it for many reasons in which i will get to here shortly. but the thing i am not so proud of is that i have recently reactivated it in lieu of what i can only say is the perfect concoction of curiosity and sheer boredom. anyhow, as i scroll mindlessly through the feed i am suddenly overcome with the reminder of why i had deactivated it in the first place. and on Valentine's day nonetheless. snapshots of my feelings about love and the holiday for love that marketers have grown for this gloating society and seeing the obnoxious posts of roses and chocolates and the "look how lucky i am's."

and don't get me wrong i love perfectly planned weekend getaways, and romantic nights out, and family dinners just as much as the next girl but i am simply not interested in a life that avoids discomfort. there is no one i pity more than the one who fights tirelessly to portray perfection. 

it's now when i find myself checking that stupid newsfeeed and refreshing it and checking to see if anyone has "liked" that photo i just shared... this tiring need for validation is a scary thing and it was the reason i had decided to get rid of Facebook in the first place. as time keeps passing, the more clear it is becoming as to why i am so unsettled – it tremendously conflicts with who i truly am. 

i read this article and i think he say's it most eloquently....

"…Instead of connecting and interacting, people are overwhelmingly broadcasting their own praises.

{We should be} human online. Yet social media is a place where users present their ideal self, not their whole human self. That trip to Iceland? Shared. Stepping in dog poop with your new shoes? Nope. As everyone begins to mirror the PR arm of a Fortune 500 company, spinning out press releases of good news and glossing over the bad, we lose authenticity.” Matt McFarland

yes. yes. yes.

and hey, i am not saying that nobody should support Valentine's day because it was only my personal decision that i never really did. and i'm not saying that nobody should be on Facebook either, but rather, i think that we as a society need to really look deep within and question ourselves as to why are we sharing. what are we truly looking for, and can we just be content with the roses/chocolates/diamond ring/new car if we didn't share it on social media? if we wouldn't feel fulfilled, then something is seriously wrong. 

i also can't help but think of my someday children. in a world where raising wholesome kids is becoming increasingly difficult, i don't want to be that mother posting every little thing, the one updating all 400 hundred of her closest friends how wonderful her life is going. i don't ever want to feel the need to validate my love for my children with a post. fuck no. i want to write it in a card, hold them by their little shoulders and tell them myself with my voice and my eyes. because those are the kinds of things that are meant for them only. that is the kind of role model i want to be. i want them to know that perfection is not real. i want them to be able to embrace the messy parts of life, to find beauty in chaos, to love the downs in life as much as the ups, and never pretend they aren't so, because those are what shape us. 

i want to get back to that place where i am comforted by my humility, my humbleness, the wonderful feeling of something incredible happening and not running to my iphone to post about it for the world to see. the most amazing lives are the ones that are lived quietly, i do believe. i talk to those who matter to me the most through forms of e-mail, hand-written letters, on the phone, face-to-face. i journal or blog about my life and take millions of photos for my kids and grand kids to someday pull out of warped shoe boxes and laugh or find insight from.

someone once told me that those who feel the need to gloat are the ones who hold the most insecurities. the wise, confident soul smiles silently in the corner of the room. they don't need to be heard or validated. what they have is real, and they know it. 

so, in summary (haha) today is just another day in my life. i celebrate love in little ways every day, quietly and happily within the privacy of my own home. because i am a human being fighting to uphold her standards of humility and all i want is to be authentic and soulful and to pass those attributes along to my children. and even if i do receive a dozen roses (although i won't, thankfully) very few people will know about it. and i wouldn't want it any other way. as for Facebook... i think it's goodbye, for good this time. 


if you made it to the end of this very long ranty kind of post, thank you for reading my words. you rock. 

Thursday, February 12, 2015





she asked :
"you still love him, huh?"
i answered :
"i can't imagine the day i won't."




Wednesday, January 28, 2015

because our timing will never harmonize








and no matter how our story ends
having ever known you, my love
is enough to spend my eternity 
empowered by your existence 



Tuesday, January 20, 2015

but i still dream of you





i stretched 
i breathed
i took a shower
i washed away the day
i drank a glass of water
i made my room dark
i lied down
i closed my eyes
i felt the silence
i noticed my heart beat

i made it, after all
i made it, another day
and i can make it one more


Thursday, January 08, 2015

a nightmare dressed like a daydream






i craved him because he tasted like freedom and free falling
he smelt like an unharnessed roller coaster ride and danger
i thirsted for him because he was sweet uncertainty;
 he was violent waves of adrenaline
and all the things i couldn't seem to be on my own



Friday, January 02, 2015

little things i hope to garner more of this year...


... to be more present
make more love
drink more tea
avoid small talk
embrace conversation
buy more plants
and water them
be silly
be grateful 
make my bed
stand up for myself 
speak my mind 
read, read, read
take more baths
talk to my brother more
have a smart mouth
and quick wit
run
make art
create 
attend more poetry readings
laugh more
write every damn day 
ask more questions
make mistakes
learn
take more walks
and more photos 
but really take in my surroundings 
know my own worth
honor and respect my beautiful body
love with ferocity
forgive quickly 
stop being so stubborn
let go of things and people who no longer make me happy
grow...





Monday, December 29, 2014

wake-up







i feel like i am stuck lately. 

and as i look back on this past year i come to see, with all that has occurred, i haven't really allowed myself to flourish with the changes. it seems to me i am stubborn in swimming against my own tide. God only knows why because, allow me to tell you, it is quite exhausting. 

i have picked up some pretty lamentable habits that i am surely not proud of. which if i really step back and think about, isn't all that surprising as i am inconsistent as fuck. i haven't treated my body with an ounce of respect. i don't really take care of myself. it seems as though i have just perhaps the tiniest grip left before i slip completely. and i don't know if it is because here we are approaching a new year that has me looking backward, or if it is mere coincidence that i am noticing all of this. i suppose it doesn't matter the reason only that i am in fact aware of it. 

i keep saying "tomorrow..." or "next week" or "monday" i'll do better... i'll eat better...i'll honor my body... i'll let go of you...i'll stop talking... i'll stop letting people walk on me or call me impolite names... i'll hand it all back... i'll begin again. yet, what's stopping me? why am i continually delaying the inevitable? and i feel like i have written about all these emotions in the past, so it discourages me that i am still no where closer to understanding these things about myself than i was last year... fuck, two years ago. 

i've been thinking about him a lot, as usual. but lately a little more in depth, i suppose the holidays will do that to a person. it's just that i kinda feel as though i only allow myself to BE myself about 43% of the time. i play facade, i smile my plum-lipstick-smile and toss short yet witty remarks into typical conversation as i swallow my real words along with granulated happiness to trick myself into thinking everything is okay. all the while i am screaming inside. if i were to wipe off that hint of a grin and present myself as the true cynic i happen to be, people would flee. it's unfortunately just life. no? who wants to hear about how no matter the color of sky on Christmas Day, it's the color of coal to me? essentially it's just another day in a year without him but it still breaks my heart he's not here. and who wants to hear that i resent the fact that you pray for something completely nonsensical while my brother is dead? no one, that's who. so, i just keep it inside where it belongs and smile and people think they know me. 

alternately, people seem to dance into my life with seeming ease and then leave just as elegantly. yet here i am scrounging to pick myself up and put it all back together. oftentimes i wonder why my life has always felt like a gruesome battle, a complex  puzzle... for i feel as though i am continually at war with myself, perpetually trying to fit all the wrong pieces together.... and scratching my way through the rose garden day and i promise you, with where i'm at and what i have, i do the best i can.

the point is... i have decided that enough is enough. i think i am done with the wallowing, moping, feeling sorry for myself... how long can this go on? now, i need to actually put some effort into myself. nothing will change if i change nothing. ha. at this point in my life, i don't necessarily believe in new year's resolutions but i feel it is a good excuse to kick start myself into gear. why the hell not, right? 

anyhow. i hope you all had a lovely holiday :) 



Friday, December 19, 2014

starring inevitability





"look," she says "there..." her voice cascades up an octave like a whispering melody. 

i follow the direction of her skinny arm to the cluster of 3 stars. 


Orion's Belt... as if it is her first time seeing it; the magic never fades for her. there's a slight grin painted on her face and it is a beautiful sight to behold. trust me.  


her eyes are buoyed to the sky and i watch her in sheer wonderment. 


"did you know..." she tapers off and takes a pull on her cigarette. (i love when she begins a thought with "did you know") 


"that Orion borders the Gemini constellation to the northeast?" 


she knows i am a Gemini, not that it matters. neither of us are into Astrology... it's just that she knows. i envision her reading about Orion's Belt and as her green eyes skim across that piece of information, they light up like electricity... she keeps it in her pocket and takes it out at precisely the right moment; while we are standing under a blanket of sky, her and i. 


why did she pick me to love like this?


we stand quiet, for dramatically stretched out moments, each lost in our own galaxies. the sky the color of burnt coffee. the peculiar December air kissing our exposed skin. i think of how she is the only human whom i could sit with in silence, for hours, yet feel as though i've just had the most incredible conversation.


she reaches for my hand just then, as if she can read my thoughts. 


she's good. 


it's milky smooth and friendly. i want to take charge of her body and encapsulate her with mine, but i hesitate... i can sense she is somewhere deep. so i resort to tangling my fingers within hers... 


so she knows i'm here. 



because, for her, that's enough. 



Wednesday, December 17, 2014

useless information





4 names people like to call you other than your real name:
1. Kay

2. Kayla Kadinglehoffer
3. Kale
4. Al

4 jobs you've had:
1. Hostess/Waitress
2. Nanny
3. Bank Teller
4. Daddy's girl 

4 movies you've seen more than once:
1. Into the Wild 
2. Pineapple Express
3. Dazed and Confused
4. You've Got Mail 

4 places you've lived:
1. Winchester

2. Woburn
3. Hampstead
4. Derry

4 places you've visited:
1. Dominican Republic
2. Puerto Rico
3. St. Maarten
4. St. Thomas

4 places you'd rather be right now: 
1. my bed

2. my couch
3. my downstairs couch
4. chicago

4 things you don't eat:
i will pretty much eat or at least try everything

the only exception being : ketchup. fuck ketchup.

4 of your favorite foods:
1. Pizza
2. Shrimp Scampi
3. Cereal, in general
4. Cheese, in general.

4 TV shows you watch:
1. Gilmore Girls 
2. Alaska the Last Frontier
3. Friends
4. Pretty Little Liars

4 things you're always saying:
1. "Fuck"
2. "ya know?"
3. "I feel like..."
4. "coffee time"





borrowed from this cool chick, alissa


Thursday, December 11, 2014

fireball




"Whiskey." she said, and it wasn't a fucking request.

"What'll it be?" the barkeep inquired, "Something off the shelf or from the well?" 

"Does it look like I give a goddamn?" she spat back at him.

Fumbling from pocket to pocket, she found a nearly empty pack of smokes and a matchbook now on its last legs. She knew better than to ask for permission, or an ashtray for that matter, it wasn't that kind of dive. 

To her surprise, her drink was delivered and the bartender didn't bat so much as an eyelash. Maybe  her face said everything he needed to know.

She ashed on the floor and took her first, of what was sure to be many shots that night. The whiskey bit and burned its way down her stomach. 

"Fuck..." she whispered under her breath. "You." her mind finished the sentence and she drained the glass.

Bartender boy was already pouring another, it was that kind of bar, it was that kind of night, and the whiskey was the only salve for this kind of wound. 



here

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

ghost girl





oftentimes i feel like the ghost of myself, haunting old places that used to hold meaning they no longer hold. i've been in the same place for so long now that the different eras of my life –different selves, are layered in a fine mist that builds up into a fog upon this town and glimpses of the past show through the cracks between the trees and houses like bits of old, peeling wallpaper; like falling autumn leaves. it's comfortable yet equally as oppressive. 

a car drives by at midnight, as i lie awake in bed and i wonder... where are they going? where have they been? 

white walls
white lights
white stars

and when i finally succumb to sleep, i have this reoccurring dream of a stranger with a familiar face. and the way he touches me is as if i am made of more than just skin. he tells me that the beautiful is always bizarre. and he is the only person i have ever encountered who seems to have the faintest idea of what i mean when i say a thing. 

and i wonder...

i feel so young but at the same time, unspeakably aged. when i am silent, i have a monstrous thunder hidden inside of me. i dream, i dream so vividly yet when i wake, everything is black.  i have to urge myself to notice when i am happy because i too often get caught in that sepia-colored gloom. i am paradoxically challenged. 

i remember the day i first realized i don't know who i am. it was spring, and the rain came down in sheets with a relentless fury. i guess some may call it an epiphany, i suppose it was something like that. because, it's a strange phenomena to suddenly become aware that you just have no idea who you are. this person you have been living with for the last 25 years is a fucking complete stranger. 

and i wonder...

because, it's been 609 days... and i don't know if i am any better off than i was on that gloomy day back in may? i am stuck in this philosophy where i know there is no God damn way of turning back – i know too much, reverting is not an option. but i have forgotten how to walk. my legs are made of clouds and i can't figure out how to progress... 

i am but a ghost in my own life. 


Tuesday, December 09, 2014

out my self









do you believe in heaven? i ask


and then his hands are in my hair
his whisper; husky in my ear
tangled together underneath
soft white cotton sheets 
while he's inside of me 
deep, uncharted territory
his fingers like a garage mechanic poet
wrenching dirty rhymes upon my skin
slicing me open
carving himself into my bones
he's a necromancer and
i am fumbling under his spell 
easy prey, caught in the impolite way 
his eyes possess me in unison with
every inch of his infiltration
and the beat builds, quickens 
until suddenly i am no longer
tension released, every cell is electricity
my mind is gone
not just quiet, but not there at all
enveloped in a void
freed of body through union of flesh
utterly breathless 


you are my heaven... he answers




Friday, December 05, 2014

breathing for tomorrow








it is three thirty in the morning
and each night i feel as though
i am unfurling my body
attempting to cork 
this inherent pendulum 
and what of all this writing
these words that flow through my blood
begging to be freed
are just another 
mode of delaying inevitability 
masquerading itself as art?
is it true?
how dangerous and dirty it is 
trying to wring out the cluttering
thoughts from my lungs 
as i exhale each night
before i fall asleep 
seeking to put aside 
the most needful ones 
in order to sustain myself
to be better... tomorrow...
to do as i always vow
to grasp onto only 
the most reposed vision 
of your face projecting 
its beautiful self
onto the inner walls of mind 
telling me to behold 
the vastness and density of a forest
with wind cascading gently
through my wild hair 
lulling me to sleep
i breath you in, you are more
vivid and brilliant to me
than any dream, but the clock
continually ticks as time
expresses itself in relative details
i count the months
days
minutes
until i will see you 
the next chapter
the next place
the next beautiful phase of my life
time will cease for no one 
so we must surrender to these moments
and make them ours 




Tuesday, December 02, 2014

...






if only i leave my scent 
to float through your mind
like a lingering perfume 

to be paradoxically iridescent;
an arcane creature
rather than an actual person

because –
i never wished to be definable


Wednesday, November 26, 2014

...










i have allowed you to see
my voice disintegrate before
i crumble into innumerable pieces
i have offered you the most
delicate corners of myself
to play with and protect
i have dusted away the layers of
uncertainty and self-loathing
in the diminutive chance of
being held with complete intention –

and i’d do it all over again;
but only with you





Wednesday, November 19, 2014

journal entry





laying on that bed, i felt as though my entire being  was flowing like the influx of the ocean. half aware by the pull of the tide, yet drifting off with each passing swell. short jolts of semi-consciousness would drown me in the feeling of utter hopelessness. and then just as swiftly with the waves, i was swept back into pure, black, nothingness again.

i remember waking to the sound of rain. at first, i felt like i was just a little girl, wide-eyed and curious, like i was all those years ago, half riddled with sleep after a night of terrors. i pulled the dark red sheet up to my chin and only then did i realize i was not in my own bed... shadows of tears stained my rosy cheeks... the smell of blood and abandonment filled the unfamiliar room.

back then, i didn't realize the ransom that night would hold over me for many years to come. i was but a girl, 14 years old – bourbon in a teacup, soul full of vinegar and glitter. but my woman was stolen from me in a haze of starry sky whiskey and a boy in a leather jacket.

i was so full to the brim in shame i couldn't face myself... i faded away behind a constant veil i draped before me... those sharp corners of my mind became desolate gardens planted with prickly rose bushes and intimidatingly vast meadows i never dared enter.  i would go on to make my own mistakes, plenty of them. each one seemingly worse than the last... but never would i allow another human to make one for me again. though, i wonder... if the stars were not so intoxicating that night... would i have never fallen in love with the moon?

now as i enter a chapter of my life where i am ready to explore the depths of myself, i find it still scares me to death to scratch my pale skin on the stone walls of my mind. when will i stop being frightened? when will the acquaintance with old ghosts stop agonizing me? where do i find the strength to voyage beyond the shadows of my mind and straight into the fucking abyss of it?


photo : tumblr.

Friday, November 14, 2014

just cause you're clean don't mean you don't miss it










and it seeps; greedily deep
my blood is a boiling aqueduct
when suddenly i am flowing
free like the Caspian Sea
my edges are soft — lips numb
i'm spinning around in circles
like i did as a kid, wide eyed
rosy cheeked, heart beating wildly
there's nothing like not knowing
your own limbs each step an adventure
warm belly and cloudless melancholia
floating from thought to quiet thought
in a world of black and white
i feel like i am screaming in color
i'm like a junkie for this novelty
but what i want is his hands in my hair
not even this can dissipate the thought
of his fingerprints everywhere
i'm afraid i've gone mad
cause i found wonderland in his eyes
and now i am lost there




photo : tumblr.









Tuesday, November 11, 2014

brooding



a friend of mine asked me today "who are you, what makes you... you?" 

it surprises, and intrigues me, these kinds of questions. the ones where i have to kinda step back for a moment and think about the answer instead of just blurting something inconsequential out. i thought for a minute and i told her that if i was being honest, i don't really know who i am... but i'm beginning to, and i like her... she scares me yet excites me all at once. but getting to know myself has been and will continue to be an adventure that, i think, will be ever-present. 

after the conversation spilled into other topics and things got quiet again, i really began to mull it over.

 who am i? 

i have been struggling with this question for a very long time. 

these past few months have worn me out. once the frenzy of summer is over and the beautiful commotion we all make of October has expired... i am left with a lesser known November, callous and barren. the layers begin to peel away to reveal the bones that have been there all along but i habitually tend to cover up. 

i'm trying very hard to confront myself. to look at my heart and my face and my body and love her as i would love a friend. i see she is ruthlessly fidgety and hopelessly foolish. but i am working to sit and find beauty in what i can no longer hide. pondering the things i both love and hate about myself. she's unpredictable and stubborn. fierce and fiery... but really, at the end of the day, she's all i've got. so rather than lamenting over these things, i want to begin to look at her, to study these layers without flinching – without turning away. i want to be able to sit with myself, free of distractions and penetrate every facet that has been carved out these last 27 years... 

but, do you think that one can ever be entirely comfortable with oneself? 



Friday, November 07, 2014

i tried to love you less. i couldn't.





 


i'm burning, my dear –
in the decadent flame of my existence 
 in the fury of choices i made
and my fingers tremble with uncertainty
yet my heart remains steady
pulsing gently at every thought of you
for you are the dawn i am chasing
after all these days of darkness